13 Reasons Why

So I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and talk about the show that everyone seems to be talking about - 13 Reasons Why.  If you don't know what it is about, look it up and keep an open mind.

I just binged watched it over the weekend, the flu made me do it ;)

I don't know where to start.  No matter what I say there will be people for and against.

What I will say is that I think it is a good show for parents to watch with their teenagers.  It raises SO many issues that they may be facing.

I'm not saying binge-watch it like I did.  I'm saying watch an episode, with a warning from me that there are some extremely confronting issues, and then talk about them at the end.  I know as a kid I would have found this hard to do with my parents, and now as a parent, I hope with all my heart that I will be able to talk to my kid when the time comes.

A big thing I took away from it is everyone is always caught up in their own shit that they forget to acknowledge the people in their lives who are close to them, or they are afraid to say too much.  Whether it be that they don't want to embarrass the person, will scare them off, or don't know what to say.  Just say it.  Write it down if you need.  Tell this person that they mean the world to you, every single day.

Another takeaway, speak up LOUDLY when bad things are happening to you (and there is no scale when it comes to measuring bad), don't think that people are too busy or don't care enough.  I wish I had sought more guidance when I was a kid on how to "survive" high school and not take so much on board.  If kids were given options, support, and tools that they can really use, then we may spare them some pain.

I was so impressed with this show and how it was so relatable to not just this generation.  A lot of the stuff that happened went down when I was growing up.  Cyber-bullying has unfortunately added a whole new heartbreaking level to it all.

I'm sure it will raise some more thoughts for me but I will leave it here for now  I hope that parents and kids can take away a lot from this show, especially the fact that honest and constant communication is key in any relationship. <3

R.E.S.P.E.C.T - find out what it means to me

A friend came to me today and told me (with love) how disappointed she is that I haven't been there for her as much as she has for me. 

She wasn't extending kindness to me and expecting back in the same enormous way, but a little acknowledgement and support in what is happening in her life goes a long way. 

I respect her SO much for speaking up (and she reads this blog so this is my public announcement to her!). Sometimes we get caught up in our own shit and forget people are going through their own, and need our love as much as we need theirs. Who haven't you checked in on lately? 😘 #hugtheblackdog

I'm positive you are not alone

During my time of dealing with depression I have read so many posts that say "people who suffer from depression and anxiety can't see the positives in things so stop telling them to be positive". I call BS on this.

Of course a lot of people can't see the positives when they are experiencing things. But they should never stop trying, I am one of those people who haven't given up the battle. And there are always people who will help them do it too.  

I was speaking to a loved one last night who opened up and told me they have depression, to them it felt like a life sentence. By the end of the conversation we were laughing and reminiscing over some seriously good times we have had together. Please reach out to loved ones, you may not realise how much they want to be there for you. They may not know how to deal with it at first, just tell them you don't need them to solve anything, sometimes all we need is a friend to be there and listen.

In the meantime I found this great article on tips for dealing with fear and anxiety:

How to deal with chronic fear and anxiety

1. Avoid avoidance – face it and move forward

2. Develop a healthy sense of personal control – think the serenity prayer

3. Promote positivity – it broadens our perspective

4. Find meaning – rediscover a sense of purpose

5. Get support – the strength of social relationships helps with confidence

6. Go for a walk in nature – not only helps you feel better but lowers blood pressure, heart rate, and the production of stress hormones

https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/security/facing-fear/how-deal-chronic-fear-and-anxiety

I like to be alone but I hate to be lonely

I have had the last 24 hours to myself. To a lot of people this would be heaven, and I totally get that (especially for parents!). Lately though, I don't know what to do with myself.  I'm going through a huge life change and I don't really know what I enjoy any more.  There is only so much work, craft, seeing friends and cleaning you can do.  I think if I spoke to someone my voice would crack as I haven't used it.

I got myself out of the house for a bit as I noticed that I started feeling sorry for myself.  My first trigger.  I really don't have much to feel sorry for myself about, realistically.  A scroll through Facebook will give me some perspective.  But no I just end up watching some stupid videos that are meant to make me laugh. I really want to laugh more.  Next trigger, get out of my head space.  I'm being self-destructive.

Why am I writing this?  I'm trying to be aware of what's happening and know how to combat it.  I believe in the journey of depression, we can combat some stuff, other days we just need to give in and have a good sob, or seek professional help.  It's all about balance.  My trick is to not get stuck in one mindset, which means switching between a lot of different activities.  People think I have a short attention span and don't finish a task - it's actually a survival technique for me.

So this being alone for too long is not good for me, but I am learning how long I can last, and I spread it out a little more when I feel up to it.

For now, I'm gonna make a cuppa and call a friend who loves to chat.  The kind of friend who doesn't mind if I am quiet <3

It's a fine line

I have written before about knowing your triggers and what may set you off down the road to depression. Mine are showing up at the moment. I'm working gently to get through them. 

I have just begun a trial separation from my husband which means I moved, we had to tell the kids and do 50/50 share (they have been awesome and no tears shed), dealing with everyone else's emotions and opinions about it, while trying to manage mine. 

Then I had a dear friend take his life, I've spoken about it before but I still feel immense sadness when I think about what he must have been going through.

There is other stuff too which I won't go into but to say my mind is buzzing/exhausted is an understatement. 

So given my mental state I'm torn between wanting to stay at home watching trashy TV and sleeping, to catching up with people who keep extending invites to me thinking I need the company. 

What I am teaching myself when it comes to catching up with people - how do I feel when I am with them? If they are all about them, negative or draining, then right now may not be the time to catch up. If they are life-giving, caring, make me laugh and actually give a shit, then I muster up all my energy to be with them. Because when I do I actually feel so much better in their presence. 

So it's a fine line when it comes to catch ups. I need to keep this checklist in mind for the next one. I also have to realize that people are ok if you say no, and you don't have to give them a reason. 

During this time of stress I'm making sure I take my meds, get some decent sleep, throw in some exercise, eat some healthy food, get cuddles where I can, take deep deep breaths, and phone a friend when I need to. 

One day at a time 💗

The dog attack

I'm devastated to share that the black dog ripped apart one of my friends this week. I have never experienced this and don't know where to start...

I'm gutted I had no idea what he was going through, no one did. It seems to be a common observation.

I'm wishing I could have done something to prevent it/help him, like so many loved ones left behind.

I'm trying to get my head around what he must have been going through and stop being so visual about what the poor soul suffered.

I'm crying so often that I wonder how the tears keep coming.

I reach out to so many loved ones and remind them how much I do love them. Telling them so often that I feel they are getting shitty with me.

I hug my kids tighter. 

I talk to friends about how sad it is that depression still has such a stigma attached to it in Australia. We share our stories of how it has affected us, realising that we are not alone in our battle.

I contemplate posting on FB about my depression and wonder what the point would be. All my friends know. But this one must not have. Or it didn't cross his mind to reach out. Or was he like so many and didn't want to "inconvenience others".

What the fuck. Why does this have to happen to anyone? What am I going to do about this in future?

Keep talking. Keep offering support. Keep in touch. Keep making time. Keep an eye out. Keep listening to my intuition. Keep saying I love you. 

I love you, Chris. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you for so long. I'm grateful for what you brought to this world. I hope you're at peace and know how much you're loved and missed xoxox 

Let's get the discussion out there more

As a form of therapy for myself, I have now started a Hug The Black Dog Facebook page.

You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/hugtheblackdog/

I'm going to be sharing some great articles, pics and stories of life.  Keeping the subject of depression and anxiety alive and well (pun intended).

I have asked a friend to collaborate with me too and use it as her therapy.  Please feel free to use it as yours too and share it with your friends so we can all be in this together. xo

The 'function' of friends

I have been experiencing a tough time in my life at the moment. During this time I have found myself saying "you soon find out who your friends are".  What gives me that right to pass judgment on them on how best I feel they should be supporting me?!

If you're as lucky as me, you will realise you have lots of friends who all have different purposes in your life, and you in theirs. 

There's the one who will give you a few drinks, and make you laugh so hard you will squirt it out of your nose. The one who will ask you to go to the movies and take your mind off things. The one who will send your articles you might find useful. The one who might send you a care package. The one who checks in on you most days. The one who invites you to events or their place to hang. The one who you may not speak to for a year and it's just like old times when you finally do. The one who may be awkward around "feelings" but will be a hell of a good time on the dance floor. 

There's the quote that only a true friend hears you when you're quiet. I don't believe that. We all have our own stuff going on and everthing's not always about us (shock horror!) Maybe a true friend is one who steps up when you speak out. Perhaps we should start speaking up more and not expecting friends to be mind readers...

If you have one friend, and they are the kind of person who does like feelings, tell them how lucky you are to have them! Or just buy them dinner or make em feel special. 

If the black dog has bitten you harder than you would like and you feel you are completely lonely in this world, then please try and speak up or be a friend to yourself. I've had those days and I need to remind myself to just make that day about me. It's not selfish, it's life-giving. Anyway, I digress (but felt that needed to be said). 

So let's not categorise our friends, and let them know when and how we may need them. But also tell them that it's ok if they can't give us what we want. Feel the fear... And speak up anyway. 

Big love to you 🌻🌻🌻

The dog is biting my ankles

Today, that little black dog is angrily snapping at my ankles. I'm going through a painfully sad time at the moment and she knows it.

She is trying to find every reason to bring me down, make me resort to excess alcoholism or cigarette smoking (I admit there have been a few - I'm human!), she reads into everything that is being said to me and tries to mangle into her negativity.

I'm sorry (not sorry), pup, but this time you are not bringing me down to your level. Yes there will be tears, but they don't last long. I have way too much in my beautiful life to smile about. And in those moments I don't feel I do, the universe sends me a multitude of people who show they give a shit about me. It took me a while to realise I need to ask the universe to send them my way, instead of staying in my shell. This tango. It's everlasting. Sometimes it's so much fun. Other times, I'm bloody exhausted while napping and drooling on the train (sorry to all the people who have sat next to me). 

We will get thru this, pup. We will show the people who are hurting and hurting us that we love them in the best way we can. In the meantime, let's be gentle and hug it out 😘

Breathe and keep the faith

Some days are just about breathing and having a little faith that things will work out for you. The universe is making sure of that. You are loved 😘

You are not depressed

Thank you @PrinceEa for your wise, heartfelt and true words. The "only" thing you are is you, the beautiful, individual, uniquely gorgeous, YOU. 😘🙌🏻👊🏻

https://www.facebook.com/PrinceEa/videos/10154694406919769/

Kudos to celebs for using their status for good causes

In an essay recently, Kristen Bell shared how having anxiety/depression is not just about "having a bad day or needing a hug". But a feeling of being worthless. Her description is spot on and I commend her for speaking up and reminding people that talking to your Doctor about depression or anxiety should be just as easy as talking to them about having the sniffles. Thank you, Kristen, after this, your sloth-experience and role as Ana, you have moved up in my list of awesome individuals even more!! 👊🏻

Here's the link to the article:

http://qklnk.co/870eEj

 (Pic courtesy of shutterstock)

Love Your Sister / Mother / Friend

Some seriously beautiful words from the most soulful and altruistic brother and sister combos I follow on Facebook. If you don't follow "Love Your Sister" then give it a crack and join the village. You will be welcomed with open arms and not so gently told to feel your boobs for lumps!

"Last week I cried way too many times in one day, like whole torrents. Eventually, no matter how many appointments you schedule, or people you call or social scrolls you tear through, it’ll eventually be just you and that black mongrel mutt in some unexpected place on some idle weekday. I thought he came and went. Stupidly. He double backed with interest but I piffed him the eye with a pebble and he slunk away. I became wary.  Sure enough, back he came, with all his cohorts of course, barking bollocks, but this time I was ready and I vanquished him and his henchmutts with a terrific scolding and sent them packing without so much as a hairline fracture on the middle finger of my right hand. 

My new friend Em Rusciano smelt my anxiety from interstate (she does that shit all the time, it’s not even weird for her) and she sent me a quote from SC Lourier “Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be sad, because if we are brave enough, we can hear our hearts wisdom thought it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy. Always.” 

The takeout? 1. Em Rusciano is rad. 2. If you cry enough, your neighbour might rescue you by lighting up the basketball court after dark with her car headlights so that you can keep playing. 3) Never apologise for crying. Crying is important and good and to say sorry for it is boring. Thanks  Em for recalibrating me with a pertinent quote, to the village for having my back and to dear Glenda, who tonight provided light for me in the dark, as have all you villagers lately. Thanks. Good stuff. Back to warm and fuzzies. Harrumph to that sillyness plus phew equals fuzzlies! xsam

Oh, and Em Ruscian's contribution came in! It's a balls out wake up call to certain men out there and I LOVE IT! The Stick is going to be so many hoots and you can only get it here with us... xsam"

http://eepurl.com/bMaO9f

Sit a while

Is there anyone in your life going through a rough patch?

Perhaps instead of telling them it will be over soon, look on the bright side etc, something like being there for them, listening and not trying to resolve, but also reminding them how awesome you think they are, could be just the medicine they need. 

Please try not to judge

My topic today is a sad one and I am going to keep this brief as I have been known to rant. I want to get my point across. 

Today I found out that a friend of a friend attempted to suicide by gassing herself in her car. :( :(

A couple of people in her life said it was attention-seeking and they don't want to know her. 

This attitude toward attempted suicide is what I am fighting against. Just because she didn't "succeed" does not mean either of these things. When you get to a stage where you feel this is your last hope, then someone really needs to help you. 

I know some of her story and she may not have had the right kind of support around her. People need to know there are professionals around to help you through, and they don't have to cost money.

In Australia, a call to Lifeline can be the first step. For other parts of the world a simple Google search about who to speak to can help. 

This kind of attitude toward suicide is a serious one and it gives the wrong idea for people who deal with depression. How about telling your loved ones you are there for them NO MATTER WHAT and that you love them. It may be just what they need to hear.

Please try to only approach these attempts with love. You have no idea what is happening in that person's head and how much your love will mean to them.

Sending all my love to you today xo

I'm OK, are you?

Today, in Australia, is R U OK Day.

A reminder for people to ask their loved ones if all is well in their world, reach out, and for people to "simply" know they are not alone. 

This seemingly small question has meant so much to me over the years. Whether for me, or the people I care about. 

If you have the slightest feeling that someone in your life isn't ok, just ask them. They may say they are fine, but you may be having a huge impact on their mental state. 

Sending love and joy to any gorgeous soul reading this :)

Waiting for the Weight to Lift

In the last few weeks I have been hit (really no other word for it) with depressive thoughts.

I am currently quite healthy, lead a wonderful life, have a great support network, and generally have a  lot of reasons to be happy.  I have had a few speed bumps that seem to have set me back - a job change and a realisation that I may not be having any more kids.

What many people don't realise is that depression can be a chemical imbalance in your brain, so telling someone with depression to "just think happy thoughts" isn't going to cut it.  I have been even telling myself this lately and getting more frustrated while doing so.

When I have these thoughts I have started coming up with 3 gratitudes each time.  The other night I may have possibly thought of about 84 gratitudes - a lot weren't massive but they had to be positive. It's a temporary measure but it gets me out of that head space, even for a bit.

I realised that my exercise has depleted lately and endorphins do great things for me, and everyone else!

This week I have vowed to do the following to get back on track:

- talk to loved ones about it (hubby and mum ticked off list)
- go VERY gently on myself - early nights (but not tonnes of sleeping like I want to)
- exercise each day even in small amounts
- eat well and drinks lots of herbal tea instead of caffeine for the quick buzz
- prioritise what really needs to be done this week - so don't sweat the piles of washing to be folded
- surround myself in aesthetically pleasing items - pictures of Greece, bright clothes, lovely smells,  good music
- ask for lots of hugs from my kids (they already seem to be giving me lots, they seem to just "know")

I also vow that if I am not back on track that I will go and see a professional.  I don't know why I see doing such things as a step back for me, I know they are not.  It's that "imposter" in my head fighting me and keep me in my comfort zone. Although I am not at all comfortable where I am right now.

This blog is so therapeutic for me, its making me accountable but at the same time releasing what's in my head and giving me some structure in my current mess of a head.

I will beat this, not alone, but I will....

Everything has a crack in it, that's how the light gets in

Recently a friend of mine put up this beautiful picture on Facebook.  She said that she had dreamt it and just had to paint it and get it out of her system.  I have included the image in this post.  You will see on the left hand side are all dark feelings that she was dealing with at the time.

I praised her for putting this up and admitting these emotions, because as you will see on the right hand side of the painting, there are feelings of where she would rather be and what she is working towards.

A lot of her friends didn't understand where she was coming from and said "you need to paint something more positive".  I didn't agree with this as she was being honest and instead of judgement people could have been asking if she was ok, or just thanking her for her honesty.

My friend messaged me privately and thanked me for the public comments and stated it was just something that she had to paint.  I again said to her how proud I was of her for dealing with these feelings and working towards moving away from them.

Our reaction to our friend's current emotional state is so important, whether they tell us or not :)

Know your Triggers

There has been a lot on social media about depression - whether it is people bringing it to our attention, beautiful souls taking their own lives or ways to support people.

A big thing for me is to know my triggers, what sets me off into panic, sadness, withdrawal, anger, or all of the above!

For me it varies.  It can be money worries, kids being intense, lack of support from friends, loneliness or stress.

The way I find that helps me the most is writing things down as well as talking it out with my "go to" people.  I have my hubby, my mum, my life coach and a few key friends.  All of which are amazing and can give me very different perspectives.

When you "suffer" from depression you learn who your true friends are and who you can turn to.  It is wise to get a few of them because people generally lead busy lives and can't always stop everything to support me.

I have a gratitude journal beside my bed which I try to write in every night.  On days where I am having trouble thinking of what to be grateful for I know that is a trigger.  So I make sure I write something, even if it is "just" - my health, my life and my tribe.  All of which I am truly grateful for every day.

Don't know how to help?

If you don't know what else to do when a person is depressed or not themselves. Your presence means a lot, even if they don't show it at the time: