It's a fine line

I have written before about knowing your triggers and what may set you off down the road to depression. Mine are showing up at the moment. I'm working gently to get through them. 

I have just begun a trial separation from my husband which means I moved, we had to tell the kids and do 50/50 share (they have been awesome and no tears shed), dealing with everyone else's emotions and opinions about it, while trying to manage mine. 

Then I had a dear friend take his life, I've spoken about it before but I still feel immense sadness when I think about what he must have been going through.

There is other stuff too which I won't go into but to say my mind is buzzing/exhausted is an understatement. 

So given my mental state I'm torn between wanting to stay at home watching trashy TV and sleeping, to catching up with people who keep extending invites to me thinking I need the company. 

What I am teaching myself when it comes to catching up with people - how do I feel when I am with them? If they are all about them, negative or draining, then right now may not be the time to catch up. If they are life-giving, caring, make me laugh and actually give a shit, then I muster up all my energy to be with them. Because when I do I actually feel so much better in their presence. 

So it's a fine line when it comes to catch ups. I need to keep this checklist in mind for the next one. I also have to realize that people are ok if you say no, and you don't have to give them a reason. 

During this time of stress I'm making sure I take my meds, get some decent sleep, throw in some exercise, eat some healthy food, get cuddles where I can, take deep deep breaths, and phone a friend when I need to. 

One day at a time 💗

The dog attack

I'm devastated to share that the black dog ripped apart one of my friends this week. I have never experienced this and don't know where to start...

I'm gutted I had no idea what he was going through, no one did. It seems to be a common observation.

I'm wishing I could have done something to prevent it/help him, like so many loved ones left behind.

I'm trying to get my head around what he must have been going through and stop being so visual about what the poor soul suffered.

I'm crying so often that I wonder how the tears keep coming.

I reach out to so many loved ones and remind them how much I do love them. Telling them so often that I feel they are getting shitty with me.

I hug my kids tighter. 

I talk to friends about how sad it is that depression still has such a stigma attached to it in Australia. We share our stories of how it has affected us, realising that we are not alone in our battle.

I contemplate posting on FB about my depression and wonder what the point would be. All my friends know. But this one must not have. Or it didn't cross his mind to reach out. Or was he like so many and didn't want to "inconvenience others".

What the fuck. Why does this have to happen to anyone? What am I going to do about this in future?

Keep talking. Keep offering support. Keep in touch. Keep making time. Keep an eye out. Keep listening to my intuition. Keep saying I love you. 

I love you, Chris. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you for so long. I'm grateful for what you brought to this world. I hope you're at peace and know how much you're loved and missed xoxox 

Let's get the discussion out there more

As a form of therapy for myself, I have now started a Hug The Black Dog Facebook page.

You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/hugtheblackdog/

I'm going to be sharing some great articles, pics and stories of life.  Keeping the subject of depression and anxiety alive and well (pun intended).

I have asked a friend to collaborate with me too and use it as her therapy.  Please feel free to use it as yours too and share it with your friends so we can all be in this together. xo

The 'function' of friends

I have been experiencing a tough time in my life at the moment. During this time I have found myself saying "you soon find out who your friends are".  What gives me that right to pass judgment on them on how best I feel they should be supporting me?!

If you're as lucky as me, you will realise you have lots of friends who all have different purposes in your life, and you in theirs. 

There's the one who will give you a few drinks, and make you laugh so hard you will squirt it out of your nose. The one who will ask you to go to the movies and take your mind off things. The one who will send your articles you might find useful. The one who might send you a care package. The one who checks in on you most days. The one who invites you to events or their place to hang. The one who you may not speak to for a year and it's just like old times when you finally do. The one who may be awkward around "feelings" but will be a hell of a good time on the dance floor. 

There's the quote that only a true friend hears you when you're quiet. I don't believe that. We all have our own stuff going on and everthing's not always about us (shock horror!) Maybe a true friend is one who steps up when you speak out. Perhaps we should start speaking up more and not expecting friends to be mind readers...

If you have one friend, and they are the kind of person who does like feelings, tell them how lucky you are to have them! Or just buy them dinner or make em feel special. 

If the black dog has bitten you harder than you would like and you feel you are completely lonely in this world, then please try and speak up or be a friend to yourself. I've had those days and I need to remind myself to just make that day about me. It's not selfish, it's life-giving. Anyway, I digress (but felt that needed to be said). 

So let's not categorise our friends, and let them know when and how we may need them. But also tell them that it's ok if they can't give us what we want. Feel the fear... And speak up anyway. 

Big love to you 🌻🌻🌻

The dog is biting my ankles

Today, that little black dog is angrily snapping at my ankles. I'm going through a painfully sad time at the moment and she knows it.

She is trying to find every reason to bring me down, make me resort to excess alcoholism or cigarette smoking (I admit there have been a few - I'm human!), she reads into everything that is being said to me and tries to mangle into her negativity.

I'm sorry (not sorry), pup, but this time you are not bringing me down to your level. Yes there will be tears, but they don't last long. I have way too much in my beautiful life to smile about. And in those moments I don't feel I do, the universe sends me a multitude of people who show they give a shit about me. It took me a while to realise I need to ask the universe to send them my way, instead of staying in my shell. This tango. It's everlasting. Sometimes it's so much fun. Other times, I'm bloody exhausted while napping and drooling on the train (sorry to all the people who have sat next to me). 

We will get thru this, pup. We will show the people who are hurting and hurting us that we love them in the best way we can. In the meantime, let's be gentle and hug it out 😘

Breathe and keep the faith

Some days are just about breathing and having a little faith that things will work out for you. The universe is making sure of that. You are loved 😘

You are not depressed

Thank you @PrinceEa for your wise, heartfelt and true words. The "only" thing you are is you, the beautiful, individual, uniquely gorgeous, YOU. 😘🙌🏻👊🏻

https://www.facebook.com/PrinceEa/videos/10154694406919769/

Kudos to celebs for using their status for good causes

In an essay recently, Kristen Bell shared how having anxiety/depression is not just about "having a bad day or needing a hug". But a feeling of being worthless. Her description is spot on and I commend her for speaking up and reminding people that talking to your Doctor about depression or anxiety should be just as easy as talking to them about having the sniffles. Thank you, Kristen, after this, your sloth-experience and role as Ana, you have moved up in my list of awesome individuals even more!! 👊🏻

Here's the link to the article:

http://qklnk.co/870eEj

 (Pic courtesy of shutterstock)

Love Your Sister / Mother / Friend

Some seriously beautiful words from the most soulful and altruistic brother and sister combos I follow on Facebook. If you don't follow "Love Your Sister" then give it a crack and join the village. You will be welcomed with open arms and not so gently told to feel your boobs for lumps!

"Last week I cried way too many times in one day, like whole torrents. Eventually, no matter how many appointments you schedule, or people you call or social scrolls you tear through, it’ll eventually be just you and that black mongrel mutt in some unexpected place on some idle weekday. I thought he came and went. Stupidly. He double backed with interest but I piffed him the eye with a pebble and he slunk away. I became wary.  Sure enough, back he came, with all his cohorts of course, barking bollocks, but this time I was ready and I vanquished him and his henchmutts with a terrific scolding and sent them packing without so much as a hairline fracture on the middle finger of my right hand. 

My new friend Em Rusciano smelt my anxiety from interstate (she does that shit all the time, it’s not even weird for her) and she sent me a quote from SC Lourier “Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be sad, because if we are brave enough, we can hear our hearts wisdom thought it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy. Always.” 

The takeout? 1. Em Rusciano is rad. 2. If you cry enough, your neighbour might rescue you by lighting up the basketball court after dark with her car headlights so that you can keep playing. 3) Never apologise for crying. Crying is important and good and to say sorry for it is boring. Thanks  Em for recalibrating me with a pertinent quote, to the village for having my back and to dear Glenda, who tonight provided light for me in the dark, as have all you villagers lately. Thanks. Good stuff. Back to warm and fuzzies. Harrumph to that sillyness plus phew equals fuzzlies! xsam

Oh, and Em Ruscian's contribution came in! It's a balls out wake up call to certain men out there and I LOVE IT! The Stick is going to be so many hoots and you can only get it here with us... xsam"

http://eepurl.com/bMaO9f

Sit a while

Is there anyone in your life going through a rough patch?

Perhaps instead of telling them it will be over soon, look on the bright side etc, something like being there for them, listening and not trying to resolve, but also reminding them how awesome you think they are, could be just the medicine they need. 

Please try not to judge

My topic today is a sad one and I am going to keep this brief as I have been known to rant. I want to get my point across. 

Today I found out that a friend of a friend attempted to suicide by gassing herself in her car. :( :(

A couple of people in her life said it was attention-seeking and they don't want to know her. 

This attitude toward attempted suicide is what I am fighting against. Just because she didn't "succeed" does not mean either of these things. When you get to a stage where you feel this is your last hope, then someone really needs to help you. 

I know some of her story and she may not have had the right kind of support around her. People need to know there are professionals around to help you through, and they don't have to cost money.

In Australia, a call to Lifeline can be the first step. For other parts of the world a simple Google search about who to speak to can help. 

This kind of attitude toward suicide is a serious one and it gives the wrong idea for people who deal with depression. How about telling your loved ones you are there for them NO MATTER WHAT and that you love them. It may be just what they need to hear.

Please try to only approach these attempts with love. You have no idea what is happening in that person's head and how much your love will mean to them.

Sending all my love to you today xo