I like to be alone but I hate to be lonely

I have had the last 24 hours to myself. To a lot of people this would be heaven, and I totally get that (especially for parents!). Lately though, I don't know what to do with myself.  I'm going through a huge life change and I don't really know what I enjoy any more.  There is only so much work, craft, seeing friends and cleaning you can do.  I think if I spoke to someone my voice would crack as I haven't used it.

I got myself out of the house for a bit as I noticed that I started feeling sorry for myself.  My first trigger.  I really don't have much to feel sorry for myself about, realistically.  A scroll through Facebook will give me some perspective.  But no I just end up watching some stupid videos that are meant to make me laugh. I really want to laugh more.  Next trigger, get out of my head space.  I'm being self-destructive.

Why am I writing this?  I'm trying to be aware of what's happening and know how to combat it.  I believe in the journey of depression, we can combat some stuff, other days we just need to give in and have a good sob, or seek professional help.  It's all about balance.  My trick is to not get stuck in one mindset, which means switching between a lot of different activities.  People think I have a short attention span and don't finish a task - it's actually a survival technique for me.

So this being alone for too long is not good for me, but I am learning how long I can last, and I spread it out a little more when I feel up to it.

For now, I'm gonna make a cuppa and call a friend who loves to chat.  The kind of friend who doesn't mind if I am quiet <3

It's a fine line

I have written before about knowing your triggers and what may set you off down the road to depression. Mine are showing up at the moment. I'm working gently to get through them. 

I have just begun a trial separation from my husband which means I moved, we had to tell the kids and do 50/50 share (they have been awesome and no tears shed), dealing with everyone else's emotions and opinions about it, while trying to manage mine. 

Then I had a dear friend take his life, I've spoken about it before but I still feel immense sadness when I think about what he must have been going through.

There is other stuff too which I won't go into but to say my mind is buzzing/exhausted is an understatement. 

So given my mental state I'm torn between wanting to stay at home watching trashy TV and sleeping, to catching up with people who keep extending invites to me thinking I need the company. 

What I am teaching myself when it comes to catching up with people - how do I feel when I am with them? If they are all about them, negative or draining, then right now may not be the time to catch up. If they are life-giving, caring, make me laugh and actually give a shit, then I muster up all my energy to be with them. Because when I do I actually feel so much better in their presence. 

So it's a fine line when it comes to catch ups. I need to keep this checklist in mind for the next one. I also have to realize that people are ok if you say no, and you don't have to give them a reason. 

During this time of stress I'm making sure I take my meds, get some decent sleep, throw in some exercise, eat some healthy food, get cuddles where I can, take deep deep breaths, and phone a friend when I need to. 

One day at a time 💗

The dog attack

I'm devastated to share that the black dog ripped apart one of my friends this week. I have never experienced this and don't know where to start...

I'm gutted I had no idea what he was going through, no one did. It seems to be a common observation.

I'm wishing I could have done something to prevent it/help him, like so many loved ones left behind.

I'm trying to get my head around what he must have been going through and stop being so visual about what the poor soul suffered.

I'm crying so often that I wonder how the tears keep coming.

I reach out to so many loved ones and remind them how much I do love them. Telling them so often that I feel they are getting shitty with me.

I hug my kids tighter. 

I talk to friends about how sad it is that depression still has such a stigma attached to it in Australia. We share our stories of how it has affected us, realising that we are not alone in our battle.

I contemplate posting on FB about my depression and wonder what the point would be. All my friends know. But this one must not have. Or it didn't cross his mind to reach out. Or was he like so many and didn't want to "inconvenience others".

What the fuck. Why does this have to happen to anyone? What am I going to do about this in future?

Keep talking. Keep offering support. Keep in touch. Keep making time. Keep an eye out. Keep listening to my intuition. Keep saying I love you. 

I love you, Chris. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you for so long. I'm grateful for what you brought to this world. I hope you're at peace and know how much you're loved and missed xoxox 

Let's get the discussion out there more

As a form of therapy for myself, I have now started a Hug The Black Dog Facebook page.

You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/hugtheblackdog/

I'm going to be sharing some great articles, pics and stories of life.  Keeping the subject of depression and anxiety alive and well (pun intended).

I have asked a friend to collaborate with me too and use it as her therapy.  Please feel free to use it as yours too and share it with your friends so we can all be in this together. xo

The 'function' of friends

I have been experiencing a tough time in my life at the moment. During this time I have found myself saying "you soon find out who your friends are".  What gives me that right to pass judgment on them on how best I feel they should be supporting me?!

If you're as lucky as me, you will realise you have lots of friends who all have different purposes in your life, and you in theirs. 

There's the one who will give you a few drinks, and make you laugh so hard you will squirt it out of your nose. The one who will ask you to go to the movies and take your mind off things. The one who will send your articles you might find useful. The one who might send you a care package. The one who checks in on you most days. The one who invites you to events or their place to hang. The one who you may not speak to for a year and it's just like old times when you finally do. The one who may be awkward around "feelings" but will be a hell of a good time on the dance floor. 

There's the quote that only a true friend hears you when you're quiet. I don't believe that. We all have our own stuff going on and everthing's not always about us (shock horror!) Maybe a true friend is one who steps up when you speak out. Perhaps we should start speaking up more and not expecting friends to be mind readers...

If you have one friend, and they are the kind of person who does like feelings, tell them how lucky you are to have them! Or just buy them dinner or make em feel special. 

If the black dog has bitten you harder than you would like and you feel you are completely lonely in this world, then please try and speak up or be a friend to yourself. I've had those days and I need to remind myself to just make that day about me. It's not selfish, it's life-giving. Anyway, I digress (but felt that needed to be said). 

So let's not categorise our friends, and let them know when and how we may need them. But also tell them that it's ok if they can't give us what we want. Feel the fear... And speak up anyway. 

Big love to you 🌻🌻🌻

The dog is biting my ankles

Today, that little black dog is angrily snapping at my ankles. I'm going through a painfully sad time at the moment and she knows it.

She is trying to find every reason to bring me down, make me resort to excess alcoholism or cigarette smoking (I admit there have been a few - I'm human!), she reads into everything that is being said to me and tries to mangle into her negativity.

I'm sorry (not sorry), pup, but this time you are not bringing me down to your level. Yes there will be tears, but they don't last long. I have way too much in my beautiful life to smile about. And in those moments I don't feel I do, the universe sends me a multitude of people who show they give a shit about me. It took me a while to realise I need to ask the universe to send them my way, instead of staying in my shell. This tango. It's everlasting. Sometimes it's so much fun. Other times, I'm bloody exhausted while napping and drooling on the train (sorry to all the people who have sat next to me). 

We will get thru this, pup. We will show the people who are hurting and hurting us that we love them in the best way we can. In the meantime, let's be gentle and hug it out 😘

Breathe and keep the faith

Some days are just about breathing and having a little faith that things will work out for you. The universe is making sure of that. You are loved 😘